So come check us out on Facebook!

http://www.facebook.com/its.un.complicated

Your worth the wait!

~Ems

So here is a brief intro to the 5 different LOVE LANGUAGES and HOW TO discover the love language of your family members. You may also like to try the suggested ways to make your family feel loved and appreciated!

A. WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

Praise, affection & encouragement that is expressed verbally.

If your family member’s love language is Words of affirmation:

• Write a little note expressing affection or encouragement.
• Write a note to your parents telling them that you appreciate what they’ve done for you over the years
• Genuinely praise him/her for something specific, especially in front of others

Conversely, the person is hurt most by harsh words or simply a lack of verbal affirmation.

B. QUALITY TIME

The undivided attention or connection to someone who’s by your side.
Watching TV together doesn’t really count, unless you’re enjoying each other’s company at the same time.

If your family member’s love language is Quality time:

• Take time after coming home to sit down for a short chat with your parents. Listen!

Do something that your dad/mum likes to do together.  The focus should be on being with him/her, & not just the activity that you both are engaged in.

C. GIFTS

Gifts that are well-thought up. They can be purchased, found or made.
They can be expensive or even free. It could also be the gift of SELF (being there at the person’s time of need).

If your family member’s love language is Gifts:

• Remeber special occasions (e.g. birthdays or anniversaries), give significant gifts with meaning.
• Surprise your sister once in a while with a small inexpensive gift.

Buy a personalised ring or necklace for your mum to wear that’s just from you.

D. ACTS OF SERVICE

Doing things that the person would like you to do. Helping and serving the person willingly.

If your family member’s love language is Acts of service:

• Help your brother out with something he’s having difficulty with.
• Offer to run errands for your parents.

Make breakfast for your family as a surprise.

E. PHYSICAL TOUCH

Gestures of loving touch, such as a hug or a pat on the back.

If your family member’s love language is Physical touch:

• Greet him/her with a hug in the morning.
• Pat him/her on the back along with praise or encouragement.

Give him/her a shoulder massage.

A General Rule

Make sure you’re doing what the person likes, not what you like or are used to. It might be hard for you to ‘speak’ a different love language, especially to parents, and you might get a blank stare on the first time, but you’ll find that subsequent attempts will be easier.

This article first appeared in NA24/7, Feb 2007. (c)2007 Focus on the Family Singapore

… the lie that they’re worthless unless they hang out with the popular crowd.

… the lie that ‘cool’ equals having a muscle-bound body, possessing Herculean strength, and strutting through the mall with the absolute most drop-dead beautiful, supermodel-cheerleader-type babe glued to their arm.

… the lie that measuring up as a man means living up to an impossible cool code – always being a tough guy, never showing weakness, and above all, never expressing true feelings.

Hand in hand with the cool code is the popularity game. Playing the popularity game means doing what’s socially acceptable. Though the rules are different in each part of the world, here are a few of the more familiar ones: wear the right clothes, go to the right parties and use the right language (which usually means swearing).

Social survival for many guys is dependent upon how they measure up in these areas. If they don’t measure up, they’re not cool. And if they’re not cool, what are they? WANNABES or LOSERS! So some guys spend every waking moment trying to break into the cool crowd, sometimes even changing their appearance and language to do so. But what happens if they can’t break in? These people end up feeling bad about themselves, convinced that they’re outcasts and will never be accepted.

Tired of the rigid cool code? Sick of playing the popularity game? Then it’s time for a change! Stop wasting time trying to be something you’re not; instead work on these 3 confidence clues that will help you to develop that person you already are.

Take Inventory

Stand in front of a full-length mirror and evaluate the person you see. As you study the person in the mirror, ask yourself some honest questions: Who am I? Is there some room for improvement? What can I change? What must I accept about myself? Don’t keep looking at your flaws and weaknesses; concentrate also on your strengths. So what if you’re not exactly male-model material? Tell yourself that your worth and value are not based on the arrangement of your body or how popular you are in school, but on who you are inside. Try spending your time honing a skill that will make you feel good about yourself, e.g. playing the guitar or helping out at an old folks home.

Get an Attitude Adjustment

Remember that words have power and what you say about yourself has an effect on your self-confidence and self-image. Begin to replace “I can’t” with “I can”; “I’m useless” with “I can be a difference”; “I hate myself” to “I love myself”. Don’t give up on yourself. Remember that you were meant to live for so much more!

Beware of the company you keep

A wise man once said, “He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.” In other words, a friend of winners will be a winner but a friend of fools will die. Do not be misled; bad company corrupts good character so be highly cautious on whose advice you’re taking and who you’re hanging out with.

So guys, STOP lying to yourself and start living!

(c) 2007 Focus on the Family Singapore.

First Publish in NA 24/7, April 2007. Adapted from “Boom: A Guy’s Guide to Growing Up” by Focus on the Family

Our appearance is very important to us – skin tone, waist size, weight and even the brand of our clothing, because we think it says something about our value; our worth. It doesn’t help that we are faced daily with images of malnourished, underweight men and women wearing the latest look – the look we “absolutely must have” for this month. We are continually brainwashed into thinking that “Thin = beautiful”. And this very equation is driving people to dieting pills, over-the-counter laxatives, and

other unhealthy means of shedding those few pounds. It’s as if to say “if I die, let me die thin (and beautiful).”

Let me relate a simple story about my natural curls. I never used to like them because my hair never stayed in place. I always envied friends of mine who had straight flowy hair – perfect hair. Then one day, I got a rude shock. I was complimenting my friend on her beautiful straight hair when suddenly, she looked me in the eye and said, “Wow… thanks… But I always wished I had curls like yours. I think they’re so beautiful.” To me it had been: curls = ugly, straight = beautiful. Right there and then, I saw the other side. Wherever you go, people are constantly doing something to attain beauty: curling, straightening, applying, removing, tanning, lightening, ingesting, purging. The point is: beauty means different things to different people.

We live in a subjective world. Thin is just as subjective as fat. Consider how many other things we’ve come to believe are dependent on our weight: Respect, importance, love, control, sex appeal, self-confidence, opportunities, the ability to see our dreams come true, social standing, friends… But when we understand that all these things are also subjective terms, we are left questioning what our endless pursuit of thinness is truly gaining for us?

The funny thing is that the thinner you get, the less thin you feel and the more you want to control your weight. It is the warped perspective of thinness that causes many youths to develop eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia. “Thin” becomes a cage : little food, little social interaction, very little freedom.

So if you feel the pressure to watch what you eat, KNOW this:

• Your body is part of who you are, but not completely who you are.
• You can be outwardly beautiful and yet still be unattractive to others.
• Your outward appearance is what people first judge you by, but people are ultimately drawn to good character, positive spirit and self-confidence.
• Your value and worth are NOT determined by your waist size.
• You are probably not as fat as you think you are.
• Wearing a smaller size is not going to change who you are.
• Trying to maintain an unnatural body weight often leads to greater dissatisfaction with body image.
• Don’t judge others. When you are less critical of others’ bodies, you will be less critical of yourself.
• More guys prefer fleshy/curvy to stick-thin.

After hours of hair and make-up preparations for a photo shoot, photographs of models are still digitally ‘enhanced’. Blemishes and airbrushed away, body proportions are altered, just so a magazine will “sell”.

Too often we focus so intently on our flaws that we lose touch with the good things that others see in us. We have the choice to seek positive or negative reality in our lives. Start focusing more on the realities that resonate in your soul, telling you that you are valid just as you are, and take that step towards loving yourself.

First Appeared in NA 24/7, March 2007.  Inspired and adapted from “Life Inside the ‘Thin’ Cage” by Constance Rhodes and “Loving Your Body” by Dr. Deborah Newman.

The start of a new year is always a good time for reflection, and to start things on a clean slate.
And as you are thinking about what you hope to accomplish this year, you might wonder what 2011 will  bring. Thinking about the future can leave us rather… “gulp”… fearful. Why? Because frankly speaking, the only sure thing we can say about the future is, “I don’t know”

There are a lot of life circumstances that are out of our control. The weather, the family you were born in, the behaviour of our friends, etc. However, we DO have control over 2 important areas of our lives that are vital for achieving our personal goals – Our CHARACTER & BEHAVIOR.

CHARACTER

Life can throw all sorts of problems at you, but the thing that determines how you will get through them is your CHARACTER. Character not only determines how you will handle the future problems, but also how you will make important decisions and work towards your goals. (Responsibility,  patience, compassion, being respectful, etc. are valuable character traits to have). Well, the exciting thing about character is that it can be developed and changed – you can never stop working on it.

Chances are, unless we become famous mathematicians or javelin throwers, we’ll be less remembered for our achievements and more for our unique personality. What would you rather your friends say about you? “She scored 4 A’s and 2 Distinctions for the exams” Or “She’s a gem of a person who knows how to care for others”. Even the famous Albert Einstein said this…

“Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value”

BEHAVIOR

Bad things can happen: You get bad grades – you can either go into depression or pick yourself up and start working your way out of the situation. Your boy/girl friend hurts you – you can either devise a plan of revenge OR you can choose to respond calmly in love. The point is, we have a choice in how we behave, regardless of circumstances

Some of us, being overly enthusiastic about “seizing the day”, choose to engage in risky behaviour like smoking, picking fights or engaging in casual sex. And we so often get mixed up between unforeseen circumstances and consequences.

CONSEQUENCES

So here’s the definition of consequence –-something that logically or naturally follows from an action or condition.

Drink and drive? There might be an accident awaiting you in your future. Smoke? Increased chance of developing cancer  Yes, even if you didn’t, you still might get into an accident or have cancer next time, but having control over your behaviour certainly reduces the risk a whole lot. We talked about wisdom in the previous issue. Be smart, choose your battles wisely.

The future is a mystery but we can make it better for ourselves and for those around us by taking control of our character and behaviour -  living wisely, rightly and happily right NOW in the present.

“As for the future, your task is not to foresee it, but to enable it.” ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

This was first published in NA 24-7 in 2007. Copyright © 2007 Focus on the Family Singapore Ltd. All rights reserved.
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY SINGAPORE LTD

I often feel a bit cheated with Christmas in Singapore, with the lack of snow or even cold, the often verging on tacky Christmas decor, and seemingly the same routine every year.

Sometimes I feel cheated about Christmas when it comes to relationships as well, and Suzanne sums it up nicely:

“A lot of the coping mechanisms for singleness seem to fall to pieces during the holidays. We all know Thanksgiving and Christmas are about families sitting around tables and Christmas trees, exulting in the warmth of each other’s love. Such images intensify one’s longing for love and belonging. A few years ago, one single friend confided, “One of my goals is to have a boyfriend by Christmas.”

Christmas has made me do some crazy things when it comes to the pursuit of love. Go on doomed-to-failure dates. Rekindle interest in long-ago buried crushes. Waste time texting and e-mailing guys who are impossibly wrong for me. Weak attempts to feel desired and wanted.

Ultimately, though, my self-manufactured romance is intensely unsatisfying. So much so, that I inevitably crash in utter misery and self-pity sometime between Christmas and New Years.”

But there is hope! Don’t worry, it’s not all doom and gloom. Check out the rest of her article over at Boundless!

What do you think? Do you agree with Suzanne? What are you going to be doing this Christmas?

Control      Safety      Expectations      Relationships

CONTROL - Basically means “Who’s in charge?” And you may not want to hear this, but Mom and Dad are still in charge (as long as you live at home). Hopefully, you will be able to gain greater independence as you show maturity and responsibility, but it’s in your best interest to recognise that the owner of the house sets the rules. But here’s the good news! If you’re responsible in the little things, you’ll have more freedom to show that you can be responsible with bigger things.

SAFETY - Understand that worry is part of your parents’ DNA. All they want is to know that you’ll be safe, even if they sound like a nerd telling you to tie your shoelaces so that they won’t get caught in the lift door, and even if they were doing it since you were six. What can you do about it? Keep them informed about where you’re going and who with (without them having to first squeeze it out of you). Make wise choices about your activities because fact is, young people do try a lot of crazy things that could get them badly hurt. Ultimately, isn’t it better to have parents who care about you than some who don’t love you enough to worry?

EXPECTATIONS - Let’s be honest. Some parents try to live their lives through their children. They expect their teens to enjoy the same things they did when they were teens – be it sports, drama or music – and they expect them to have at least as much success. How do you deal with this sort of pressure? First, be honest and tell them if you don’t have an interest in being the school badminton champion. Don’t put yourself through a guilt trip in trying to meet someone else’s expectations. Do you have a real interest in the arts? Then go for it. Put forward your best effort where you’ve got the greatest chance of being successful. At the same time, taking this approach doesn’t let you off the hook for schoolwork. Your parents have a right to expect that you will also give your best in school.

RELATIONSHIPS - Once upon a time, your parents had an incredible amount of influence over you – what you did and how you dressed. Now that you’ve developed more independence, they probably find that you’ve begun to pay much more attention to what your friends think than to what they think. It’s called peer pressure and it can really sway you one way or another. So, how do you keep your friendships from killing your relationship with the folks? One way is to let the “opposing forces” meet. Hopefully, you make good choices in selecting your friends. If Mom and Dad can see that your buddies can be a positive influence on you, chances are they will feel more comfortable in loosening those reins. But if they adamantly refuse to allow you to see your friends ever again, then you know something is wrong and might want to rethink who you hang out with.

Adapted from “Boom: A Guy’s Guide to Growing Up”, a Focus on the Family book.

So there’s this great girl. She’s fun, pretty, mature, and a good friend. You love hanging out with her, and you’ve started wondering about taking things to the next level – you know… a relationship… But why?

It sounds like you’ve got a good thing going. You know each other well. You have fun hanging out together without the awkwardness of being a couple. And you’re getting great practice in learning how to relate to the opposite sex.

So in all your deep contemplation, ask yourself these questions:
- Why do I want this girl friend to become my girlfriend?
- How would bringing romance into our friendship improve things?
- Am I sensing that she wants me to be more than a friend?

….your only motive is to have a cool label to throw around: girlfriend instead of friend who’s a girl.
….you catch yourself thinking that being “girl-less” means being less of a guy.
….your other friends are pressuring you into something that you shouldn’t be.
….your hormones are taking over your brain (a desire to kiss is not a good enough reason).

Now to the girls, ask yourself:

- Why do we really want things to become exclusive? And how would it improve things?
- What do we want to get out of this relationship?
- Where do we see things heading if we don’t take this step?

Even after you’ve answered those questions, you can have trouble knowing what you should do. So how can you really know when you should or shouldn’t pursue a deeper relationship with a guy? First check your motives

Do you secretly hope that having this guy as your boyfriend might make you more popular?

– Would your friends think you were crazy if you didn’t want him as a boyfriend?
- Are you scared you might lose him if you don’t accept the title of “girlfriend”?
- Are you curious about starting a physical relationship?
- Are you hoping that this might be a good way to get back at your parents for something?

Fear, rebellion, hormones, curiosity, peer pressure, and popularity are NOT good reasons to deepen a relationship. Doing so for any of these reasons is likely to damage the good relationship you had going. Next, take time to examine the other party’s motives. This may be hard for you to determine on your own, so get some opinions from other people you trust before you decide.

One of the most exciting things in life is establishing quality friendships with the opposite sex, without it inevitably turning into a romantic relationship. And any healthy dating relationship must be built on a solid friendship based on mutual trust and respect.

This write-up contains extracts from BLOOM – A Girl’s Guide to Growing Up by Susie Shellenberger & BOOM – A Guy’s Guide to Growing Up by Michael Ross. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.

Copyright © 2006 Focus on the Family Singapore Ltd. All rights reserved.

• 60 percent of people stalk their crush’s profile at least once a day (40 percent check in on their would-be soulmate several times a day).
• 72 percent of those surveyed said that talking to someone online brings you closer to them.
• Girls are more judgmental: 43 percent of girls would decide not to date someone based on their Facebook profile, compared to 33 percent of guys.
• Guys are more likely to keep relationship statuses under wraps: 17 percent of guys don’t share their status, compared to 12 percent of girls.

When I first read it, I was relieved at the first statistic! Lol. That I’m not the only one who has Facebook stalked a crush. Haha! But besides that, now that most of us live on Facebook much of the day, the findings of this poll actually aren’t all that surprising to us. I’ve definitely gotten to know some people better by talking to them on Facebook, and tried to find out more about some people from their Facebook profiles. Haha!

But in the bigger picture, what has this done to the way I relate to people of the opposite gender? or just friends in general? I guess sometimes I’ve got to remind myself that face to face is still important (hence I love Skype-ing people overseas). And that Facebook stalking a crush doesn’t make a relationship, we still have to actually talk to him/her, using a nice mix of face to face and Facebook. Ah..Facebook, what would we do without it? =)

What do you think of the stats? How has Facebook affected your love life? For the better? or for the not-so-better?

Ems

With all this volunteer-ism it reminded me of an article you might have seen in the newspaper last weekend about how much Singaporeans are giving to charity. On average a volunteer gives 45 hours of their time.  Of the people between the ages of 15 to 24, 36% of them volunteer. That means over one in three! Who would have known we were such a giving bunch. Have you volunteered before?

So now that Os are over, and holidays are blissfully upon us (well almost for JC & Poly people), what are you going to be doing with the free time you now have? Having some much needed rest and relaxation time? CCAs? Finding a job? or perhaps volunteering? =)

-Ems